Confronting Anorexia

Every day, every minute of our life, from the moment we’re born, we must make decisions. Even those we take lightly have the power to change ourselves and our lives. My decision began like this, without being conscious.

In The Beginning

I was 17 years old and I was fine, I had practiced dance since I was 5 years old, but I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to lose a few kilos. I decided to go on a diet and listen to what a friend of mine advised. One day she said to me: "You will see that if you eliminate pasta and bread you will lose weight immediately! And so I did. It was July 2014. It all started as a game, but then it became toxic. It's the same as for someone who starts getting high. It starts with one joint just to try, then it becomes two, three, then it's not enough and you look for something stronger.

We Believe We Can Control Everything

With an addiction like this one, people think that they are capable and strong, that they can control it, leave it from one moment to the other whenever they want to, but really in the exact moment when they start to think about it they are lost already. I thought exactly like that. But I didn't realize. Little by little I didn't eat any more pasta and bread, I had eliminated any food other than fruit or vegetables, I downloaded a calorie-counting application on my cell phone and I was paying attention to every extra drop of oil.

Never Enough

Every day I weighed myself on the scale and every day I was always grams and kilos less. I felt big and powerful because I could control my hunger. Every time I looked in the mirror, the vision I had of myself projected an image of my body, distorted and different from reality. I saw that there was something else to eliminate in my physical body, but at the same time I looked beautiful and strong. It was a pleasure to see the bones standing out.

The Tunnel Is Always Getting Darker

I lost 12 kilos in a month and little by little, I started to lose hair and my menstrual cycle. I felt weak, sometimes I got tired of thinking. With my friends and family I became cold, apathetic, without affection, but I didn't care, I didn't even realize why I wasn't interested. I only thought about the 900 calories I had to consume each day, to control my meals and the stupid numbers on the scale. What was I becoming? I honestly didn't feel emotions anymore. Just apathy and a sense of emptiness. When others wanted to make me see reason, I only reacted aggressively. I didn't want to listen to anyone, much less my parents.

Rebuilding My Life

In this dark tunnel to which I was heading, a ray of light came with La Enseñanza.

I remember perfectly the words of the teacher Lucia: "You suffer from anorexia, Francesca. Your beauty is in your eyes," and it was precisely in those moments that, thanks to her, I knew how to give a name to what was happening to me. When you think that you are strong and invincible, then it is difficult to com to the conclusion that something is happening to you.

They Were Not Easy Months

From that moment onwards began a period of great inner struggle. It has been a struggle because I didn't want to accept that it was just happening to me and also because in my mind it was difficult to let go and not have everything under control. When I ate a little more than I was used to, I became anxious, panicky and lost even more contact with reality.

What Is Anorexia?

Many think that anorexia is simply an excess of weight loss, due to a rigid diet for a simple question of aesthetics. You don't think, or reflect on what's going on in the mind of an anorexic. Like all eating disorders, it is first and foremost a psychological disorder. It is a disease that leads you to believe that without it you are empty, not deserving to be special or to show who you really are, not deserving love.

I Have Chosen To Begin A Long Process That Is To Accept And Love Myself.

Change doesn't happen overnight. It was, and sometimes is, still a daily struggle. In La Enseñanza, besides having found a method of being better, I have also found a great family that sees me for who I am and that loves me even with my defects. I feel free to speak and empty my pains and thoughts, without feeling judged.

Why do we retain negative thoughts and emotions, if they eat us and they also eat the reality around us.

There have been many relapses since then, but now I know how I can help myself and love myself.

I have definitely made another choice, to find myself, to rebuild myself and to listen to myself. I chose to start a long process that is to accept and love me and embrace my defects, because perfection does not exist and because I want to have the will and joy of living. During all this, La Enseñanza was a fundamental pillar. Anorexia is not a death sentence. You can be healed and you can live again. Make the decision to speak and to be conscious about it. There is a world waiting for you. Do not be slaves to yourselves and your chains.

**Ask for help, choose Life. **